Beautiful Mess: The me I used to be

IMG_9335Every one from a distance and up close has seen one of the transformations that I have done in the last two years.  That’s far from all that I have done.  I have chosen to open up and really figure it all out.  Who am I?  What do I want?  How am I going to get there?

Rewinding back to two years ago…

Our family moved back to North Carolina at the will of the Marine Corps.  We were “happy” but not really happy.  My husband and I had three beautiful children at that point and time.  We celebrated the purchasing of our home with friends.  On the surface we seemed fine but when you cut it all open, we were a mess.

For about a year I had been fighting bad anxiety.  I think it was to be expected with a move from NC to CA, 10 months living there and then CA to NC.  Oh and mid first move, I found out that we were going to be expecting our Isabel.  I also had a good deal of issues from the past and current people in my life.  And due to all the moving and various things, our finances were a mess.  We thought we had it under control but we weren’t even close.  Stressful is not the word that can even come close to labeling what that time was for me.

Within a few months of being in our home, I began to try to break through everything.  We could not go on like this.  I was hanging on by a thread.  Adrian and I were both very unhappy with our weight.  Like I said, our finances were hurting.  My anxiety was breathing down my neck.  Something had to give or be solved, so we sat down and started to rip everything apart.

What did we need?

How to battle the anxiety?  What could I do to finally break off some of the anxiety?  I needed something for me.  Something more than staying at home and watching our babies grow.  It has been one of the most rewarding and stressful things I’ve ever done but I needed something directly for me and my personal goals.  I began college in June 2012.  One more year until I graduate with my bachelor’s degree in Business Administration.  Well that’s if I don’t continue on to achieve my master’s in Project Management.

This only cured half of the problem.  I needed more.  More for me.  I began seeing a counselor to try and work through a bunch of past and present issues.  The biggest issue is one that I have discussed quite a few times on this blog, my weight.  All my life I dealt with never being skinny enough for anyone else.  My father.  His girlfriend.  My step father.  My cousins.  The list goes on and on.  My counselor did something magical.  She flipped the creative switch for me.  I picked up a journal, opened up the blog and let go.  I wrote it down and left it behind.

In search of a way to keep it behind, I started looking for answers.  I needed to know that there was something more.  Mainly, I needed to know that if I let go of my anger with someone for wronging me that someone else would take that on.  It was at this time that I found #SheReadsTruth while it was in the midst of a study of Proverbs.  As I read, the weight on my shoulders lifted.  The longer I read, the more I believed that I was on the brink of something.  Enter in Joyce Meyer Ministries.  I began watching her lessons and immediately I knew I finally had found the right place.  Things began to make sense.

On to the weighty side.  I had always attempted to lose weight during this chapter in my life.  I had done pretty well but I wasn’t happy.  My highest recorded weight was 243.5 and that was the day I went into the hospital to be induced with Aiden.  My first pre-natal appointment had weighed me at 227.  I know that I had been heavier but lost a bit in the year leading up to that.  It had been the worst, rockiest year with a nasty separation and divorce.  Anyway, I can only go by what’s recorded so 243 and post first 3 babies I weighed 208.  It was progress!  Now that I had a goal of school, a push to be creative instead of closed off, a building faith….I was ready to take on the thorn in my side but that story can be read all throughout my blog!

Everything was working!

Mind – Check

Body – Check

Soul – Check

Now…finances…ew!  We need to figure out the finances to say the least.  How could we be good examples for our kids while we were flying by the seats of our pants?  I began reading Dave Ramsey’s Money Makeover.  What a wake up call!  I didn’t even know.  Let’s just say that.  Recently I finished Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace.  We have been on board with it all for the last year proudly.  Don’t get me wrong.  We were not bad off just a mess.  Now everything is accounted for and we are attempting to build a future for us through his program.

Like I said…there has been only one “visible” change.  The rest have grown into something that nurtured the inside of me.  I feel on the inside the way I look on the outside.  Beautiful.  Positive.  Loved.  Blessed.  And yet still a mess but it’s a beautiful one.

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