Scars

Have you ever had that thought  knowing this is where you just had to give up?

For me, that’s the worst feeling in the world.  You just can’t keep going and that’s the only thing that you want to be able to do.  You try to remove the source of the stress, the anxiety and the pain.  But it’s always right there.  It stares at you.  Beckoning you to just try a little harder.  Pushing you to just give a little more of yourself.  Mocking you for saying that you can’t afford to keep going.  I seem to keep finding people who ask more of me then I have saved for myself.  It’s a path of self-destruction and I can’t stop because I think the fact that I care is a better quality one could have.  None of my actions are done requiring a thank you or anything for that matter beyond knowing that I just made that second, minute, day or year a little more bearable.  There have been just too many times lately that I have to grab a baby hug, hear an “I love you” or read over kind words to keep remembering it’s not all about the pain.

“I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel”

There is a lot of good in this world.  You have to just be open to it.  But how open?  How open are you supposed to be to avoid the manipulative people who suck the joy out of your life?  The people that just goat you into horrible situations and lengths of drama.  How do you avoid being social prey?  Then once you answer that, answer me this.  How do you remain the person you like yourself to be while being guarded?  If someone knows, please clue me in.

“I can’t help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I’m sorry but I gotta move on with my own life”

The loss.  The void.  The heartbreak.  But I tried.  And now it’s time for me.  I won’t allow myself to feel bad for needing to do something for me.  I will not let myself be brought down.  I will not be the bad guy in their story.  I will not give them that.  I will not give them the satisfaction of being right because when all is said and done…

when they lay their head down at night…

the last thing they’ll think of…

is how much they’ve done wrong…

because in the end that’s all we’ll have.

A bunch of memories.  A bunch turns we’ve made.  A bunch of choices.

I can live with mine.  Be sure you can truly live with your’s.

4 Replies to “Scars”

  1. I hear you. I don’t have real inspirational thoughts right now, but to say, You go girl. Take care of yourself, you have three little ones depending on you, they are your most important priority, (besides the Husband, LOl!), they need you to be at your best. Don’t let others get you down.

    1. I think my classes have opened a can of self reflection worms 🙂

  2. People suck. Screw em. Drama sucks, screw drama. That’s how I roll.

    1. Drama definitely does! I think now it’s I’m not young, stupid and looking for drama like I did 10 years back. So how do you avoid it like the plague?

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